We are all but creatures of habit

I feel like I'm on autopilot of a sort.  I observed that we are all really just creatures of habit.  Whether that habit be a regular schedule or a habit of flying by the seat of our pants, we're all creatures of habit.  I've also noticed as of late that we tend to do destructive things when our habits are disrupted.

My teenaged niece and my oldest sister are stress munchers.  Yesterday my sister needed munchies as we waited in the ER today my niece went down with my sister to get coffee and came back with a bag full of goodies from the gift shop.  I watched as she opened every bag she bought and munched on something.  Me, I buy things.  I'm managed to stay within reason so far.  When my sister wanted me to pick up munchies on the way back to the ER, I grabbed a basket and the grocery store and filled it with junk, snapple, godiva chocolate drinks, water, twinkies, candy, chex mix and so on.  I kept it under $30.00 but that was a lot of munchies.  Today I stopped at the grocery store for breakfast before work.  Picking up one bagel became three, then 2 lbs of strawberries, a dozen cupcakes and lunch.  I gave the cupcakes and the strawberries to the staff at work.  I told them it was for my birthday last week, which was partly the truth, I was thinking that as I was picking them up but it was also a destructive habit.

Today the sister with all the decision power for the care of my aunt broke down.  I have two sisters that are, well how can I say it other than a bit hard.  Sometimes their lack of emotions scare me.  Wednesday one broke down on another sister during a phone conversation about auntie.  Today, the oldest broke down on me.  They had legally had to call her and when the time came for her to be tough and say "no", she couldn't.  She let them put a few tubes in my aunt that she would have never wanted.  I have to admit that when I called my niece for an update I was quite shocked to find out about the feeding tube.  I went to the hospital, my mom, sister and niece where there, my brother came a bit later.  When her chemotherapy oncologist came in we conference called my oldest sister on the phone.  The on-call doctor had already called her and told her that it wasn't likely auntie would be coming out of the hospital.  Her oncologist had a different view, and although his words said one thing, his face said something different and we all saw it.

We all went to dinner and then back to mom's.  After we all left I stopped at my oldest sister's to check up on her, and to discuss some of the things we needed to do.  She fell apart on me.  I saw my sister as human, something I really never thought I would see.  She said she knew she did the wrong thing.  She said that she knew what auntie wants and when the time came, she couldn't do it.  She thought she was strong enough to make the decision but when the doctor asked whether or not to put a feeding tube in, she couldn't make the decision auntie wanted.  She feels she let auntie down and she couldn't come to the hospital because she was afraid of looking into auntie's eyes.  I did the only think I could, I held her and told her that it was alright, that in her place, I don't know if I wouldn't of done the same.  I also told her that if she didn't feel anything  I would have worried, the fact that she had doubts and that she couldn't means that she's cares.  As much as I love to give hugs, my family just doesn't do that thing, they don't hug.  I hugged my sister today, I told her that no one in the family would have faulted her for any decision because we all know the reality.  I told her we just have to take it one day at a time and we'll see after the weekend when her Oncologist rechecks her whether we want to keep her this way.  It's all we can do right now, that and allow ourselves to cry.