In a daze...

I feel like I'm at a loss.  Auntie has been going downhill very quickly.  All the effects of Chemotherapy and Radiation just started to hit her big time in the last week or so.  She has 3 treatments of Radiation left and she's done but there are other problems.  With Chemotherapy either by IV or pill form there are side effects, nausea, skin peeling on the fingers and feet, exhaustion.  All she wants to do is sleep and she won't eat.  The last few days she'd take her pills and then vomit them up.  The doctor took her off the Chemo pills today telling her that he thinks they've done all they can.  He said hopefully they'll be out of her system in the next few days and she won't be so sick.  Then he said something he meant to encourage her but he really shouldn't of said.  He told her he was proud of her, that she' lasted this long and that he really didn't think she'd make it through the process but that she's proven him wrong.  I know he didn't mean it to sound bad, but when you're 84, sick, and depressed, it's not something you want to hear.  

The other problem is my mom, her health and attitude is going downhill because of all of this.  She's totally lost her patience, not that she had much to begin with and she yells.  I found out today that she feels like I'm treating her like a baby, just like I treat my aunt.  I feel really bad about that but all I've really done is try to reason with her and get her to stop yelling at auntie for things that can't be controlled.  I know in a way my aunt is taking advantage of her, especially with the guilt trips, but my mom guilts herself out.  I guess I got that from her.  

Today we were cut off by someone on the way home, then the person tried to cut us off again and I hit the horn.  My mother, with ours and his window rolled down, puts her head out the window and starts yelling at him, "Don't you know how to drive?!?!?!", "You're going to kill someone the way you drive!!".  I had to pull her inside and calm her down, explaining that especially in the area we were in, that you don't yell out the window.  The ladies at the front desk of the Cancer Center asked me today "Is your mom still yelling at you?", I had to reply with yes, but it's mostly her taking her frustrations out on me and venting.  I suppose this is my way of venting along with a friend that who's been great in letting me bend his ear.

I had my sister fill out the inquiry sheet for a nursing home but she wanted to wait to send it.  I understand that she feels that mom isn't ready, but I'm not ready to lose mom and if we don't do something soon, we're going to.   I feel like I've aged 10 years today, but my sister proved my point that they don't listen to me.  I gave her an update when I walked in the door, and 20 minutes later she was totally shocked by something I said.  I explained that I told  her that earlier and then told her that she doesn't listen to which she didn't deny.  

Calgon, take me to Chicago!