All I want to do is cry

That's all I want to do these days.  So much cattiness at work too much cattiness at home.  How does one escape it when they have no money to run away.  So you find yourself constantly wanting to cry or at least hurt something.  And since you can't hurt something, you just try and cry.  But after all that, it won't come out. and you're stuck.  Staring into space, wondering how in the hell I got here and when is it going to end.  And you cry.

My Head Wants To Explode

It's been over a month since we lost auntie and nothing has slowed down.  We got through the memorial and then everything went crazy.  Between mom's doctor appointments and all the errands that need to be done for her there hasn't been any days off.  Anytime anything is scheduled now, they schedule it for my days off.  Have they forgotten why I'm retired?  We spent last weekend cleaning up mom's house because of all the crap we have to put in there from aunties.  The scary part is that we filled a dumpster that will hold 10 tons, not that there are 10 tons in it, but damn it's full.  All of my brothers and sisters were there this weekend, cleaning, building, painting, although my oldest brother seemed to only supervise and my oldest sister's behind rarely came off the lazy boy she was sitting in while shredding paperwork.

Growing up I was shocked to see that as dysfunctional my family is, we're still rare in that we still pull together in the tough times.  And at least my brothers and sisters won't let mom down.  The grandchildren are another story.  The younger grandchildren were there, 19, 17, 14 and 12 but the ones in their 20's and 30's were nowhere in sight.  One of my brother's theory is that if his kids weren't there to help, they don't get crap, the oldest sister doesn't agree and grabbed whatever she could for her children, her son, at least showed up late Sunday night to mow the lawn and does that every two weeks or so, but her daughter as well as the daughter of another sister just couldn't be bothered.  I know people and even have friends that tell me that I shouldn't let my family dictate my life, to control me and that I should tell them exactly where to go.  But I can't do that, maybe the it was the way I was brought up, the fact that I'm truly codependent but my family is all I have in the end.  I'll always have friends here and there but it's not the same.  My parents taught me to respect and listen to my elders, even if they're more messed up than I am.  A phrase my niece said comes to mind, it's a blessing yet a curse.

I paid the price for everything I did this weekend and got told very rudely by work that they were short staffed when I called in sick on Monday.  My right had has swollen to 3 times the normal size and I could open it.  My back, neck and shoulders were a train wreck and I called in over 3 hours early so they could try and get someone in.  I felt bad enough about having to call in sick, I didn't need a frickin' guilt trip.

Today, my hand has gone down, still swollen and sore but I can at least type and write with it.  I went over to check on mom, spent a little time with her, then finally did some grocery shopping and a quick bite with a friend.  I paid for his dinner and he says I should of but he has no idea how much venting to him has helped me over the months.  I got home and finally had time to do some laundry, kind of gross that I hadn't done it in over two weeks but I just never had the time or energy.

Back to work tomorrow and if they give me lip they can kiss my behind.  As much as I need the job and the money, I'll quit if it comes to them or mom.  Thursday is back to mom's to take her grocery shopping, close out the storage unit and have someone come for an estimate on the windows.  I told her I'd take her grocery shopping every Thursday, it's a something her and auntie used to do and she really shouldn't be driving. Next month she has 5 doctor appointments and another window estimate on my days off.  I've been informed that since we didn't finish everything last weekend, we're going meeting back there Sunday.  I already told them I'm not doing all the stuff I did before.  I know another sister had to call in sick yesterday as well.  I feel like my life is gone and that the family has taken over again.  And I'm really tired. 

Oh and I finally posted a shot for the fuzzy challenge.  It's kind of gross when you realize that all that fuzz on the candle is a HUGE layer of dust.

Do you believe in signs?

I woke up early this morning.  For as late as I crawled into bed and as exhausted as I was, it was early.  By the time I decided to crawl out of bed and left Murphy out it was after 8:00 a.m.  When I let her in the sprinklers were on, I grabbed my camera and I caught this.  I've been wanted to catch a rainbow for sometime.  This isn't the type I thought I'd snap but it was just as pretty and was very shocked and happy that I got it.

The dog and I laid around for a bit and then I decided that maybe we should get out.  I called my sister and checked to see if it was okay to come over.  I thought that Murph would enjoy playing with her cousin Kiku for a nice change.  I'd been gone so much that she's been pretty neglected for attention lately and she loves car rides. 

As I was on the phone with my sister she had another call come in, switched over to grab it and then came back.  All I heard was "she's gone, get to mom's".  I immediately started to get dressed and my phone rang again, it was my brother calling to tell me.  He didn't know that I was on the phone with my sister when he called her.  Auntie had passed away this morning, they were trying to get ahold of my sister but they couldn't reach her so they called mom's house.  Mom went to the grocery store and my brother got the news.  Within 30-45 minutes my three sisters, my niece and I were at the house waiting for mom to come home from the store.  By the time my we were going to the hospital my brother had arrived with his two girls.  My niece and I decided to let my three sisters and mom go to the hospital while we waited for my brother from Stockton to arrive.  Eventually every one trickled in, My brother and sister-in-law from Stockton, one brother-in-law and then my other brother-in-law and nephew who had been camping up at Donner.  Another niece showed up and then the other.  Right now my mom's house is full of family.  I decided to come home and let Murph out but really, I just needed to get out of there for a bit.  With so many people talking at once and the TV going I needed a bit of quiet and my dog.  When I left they were ordering dinner, a house less than 1100 square feet packed with people.

I loved my aunt, I'll miss my aunt but I'm glad my aunt is now at peace.

We are all but creatures of habit

I feel like I'm on autopilot of a sort.  I observed that we are all really just creatures of habit.  Whether that habit be a regular schedule or a habit of flying by the seat of our pants, we're all creatures of habit.  I've also noticed as of late that we tend to do destructive things when our habits are disrupted.

My teenaged niece and my oldest sister are stress munchers.  Yesterday my sister needed munchies as we waited in the ER today my niece went down with my sister to get coffee and came back with a bag full of goodies from the gift shop.  I watched as she opened every bag she bought and munched on something.  Me, I buy things.  I'm managed to stay within reason so far.  When my sister wanted me to pick up munchies on the way back to the ER, I grabbed a basket and the grocery store and filled it with junk, snapple, godiva chocolate drinks, water, twinkies, candy, chex mix and so on.  I kept it under $30.00 but that was a lot of munchies.  Today I stopped at the grocery store for breakfast before work.  Picking up one bagel became three, then 2 lbs of strawberries, a dozen cupcakes and lunch.  I gave the cupcakes and the strawberries to the staff at work.  I told them it was for my birthday last week, which was partly the truth, I was thinking that as I was picking them up but it was also a destructive habit.

Today the sister with all the decision power for the care of my aunt broke down.  I have two sisters that are, well how can I say it other than a bit hard.  Sometimes their lack of emotions scare me.  Wednesday one broke down on another sister during a phone conversation about auntie.  Today, the oldest broke down on me.  They had legally had to call her and when the time came for her to be tough and say "no", she couldn't.  She let them put a few tubes in my aunt that she would have never wanted.  I have to admit that when I called my niece for an update I was quite shocked to find out about the feeding tube.  I went to the hospital, my mom, sister and niece where there, my brother came a bit later.  When her chemotherapy oncologist came in we conference called my oldest sister on the phone.  The on-call doctor had already called her and told her that it wasn't likely auntie would be coming out of the hospital.  Her oncologist had a different view, and although his words said one thing, his face said something different and we all saw it.

We all went to dinner and then back to mom's.  After we all left I stopped at my oldest sister's to check up on her, and to discuss some of the things we needed to do.  She fell apart on me.  I saw my sister as human, something I really never thought I would see.  She said she knew she did the wrong thing.  She said that she knew what auntie wants and when the time came, she couldn't do it.  She thought she was strong enough to make the decision but when the doctor asked whether or not to put a feeding tube in, she couldn't make the decision auntie wanted.  She feels she let auntie down and she couldn't come to the hospital because she was afraid of looking into auntie's eyes.  I did the only think I could, I held her and told her that it was alright, that in her place, I don't know if I wouldn't of done the same.  I also told her that if she didn't feel anything  I would have worried, the fact that she had doubts and that she couldn't means that she's cares.  As much as I love to give hugs, my family just doesn't do that thing, they don't hug.  I hugged my sister today, I told her that no one in the family would have faulted her for any decision because we all know the reality.  I told her we just have to take it one day at a time and we'll see after the weekend when her Oncologist rechecks her whether we want to keep her this way.  It's all we can do right now, that and allow ourselves to cry.

Can a day get any longer?

Yesterday was bad, it was a sister's turn to take them and it started bad.  Auntie didn't want to get dressed, didn't want to go, cried, but my sister go her to go.  Because she can't eat they put her on an IV drip for 4 hours yesterday.  In between all that my sister got panicked and flooded her car stressing her out even more.  This particular sister doesn't get very emotional but when she called another sister that night she broke down.

Today was bad, it was my turn and she again didn't want to go.  We got her in the car and to the center, in a wheelchair into treatment.  She could barely stand, she couldn't put her dentures in due to all the sores in her mouth.  She fell asleep in the wheelchair as she waited for radiation, in her sleep she kept saying itai, itai, and sayonara, sayonara.  Itai means it hurts and well, sayonara means goodbye, she was completely out.  Once she was wheeled into treatment I took a huge breath and went to the lobby with mom.  I went in the back to use the restroom and found the technician had wheeled her out.  He said she didn't want to get up, she just cried so he was going to talk to her in a private room and had me follow.  He proceeded to talk to her in Japanese and I could see the sadness in his eyes when she wasn't responsive.  It took everything not to fall apart in front of him.  She didn't want to go and although he said they could put her on the table they didn't want to force her.  He went to talk to the doctor and in the meantime I got mom and once we got her to understand that it was only two more treatments, today and tomorrow, and she was done she agreed.  

It took three technicians to put her on the table.  Even down to less than 120 lbs, she's dead weight.  After her treatment the doctor came in for her weekly Radiation Oncologist meeting.  This doctor is the partner of her doctor but I really wish he was her doctor, he listens and understands more than her doctor.  After I explained that can't eat, or drink, can't swallow, can't take any medication he automatically wanted to hospitalize her.  My sister kept asking them yesterday about that but she couldn't get any one to help her.  After calling her Chemotherapy Oncologist the agreed that she needed to be hospitalized.  

I was instructed to take her to the ER across the street so they cold administer fluids and admit her.  Her nurse, Beverly, was amazing, she so understood everything going on, she'd experienced herself with both her parents and during time working in a hospice.  Although I felt so bad that she had to go through the same, I was very grateful that she understood and helped so much.

The wounds in the area are so bad that no cream in the world was going to help.  She was in so much pain.  The gave her fluids and morphine, but it didn't help so they have her something else which I can't remember the name of.  She mostly slept but would open her eyes when a nurse would come in to check something.  Hour later she would be given a room and set up for the night.  The calendar that I keep, which has all her appointments in it and notes from her appointments would be a saving grace.  Over the months my siblings would laugh at my book but because my memory sucks it was the only way for me to remember things.  My sisters would be asked questions by a nurse or a doctor,which they had no clue of the answers.  I'd open my book and with a glance had it.  When they finally put her in a room, the nurse told two of my sisters she'd have questions, to which the walked out of the room and got me from the waiting area.

Mom is so tired, her eyes are swollen and red, she was getting upset at one doctor for asking so many questions that my sisters had to pull her out of the room for a bit.  He was only doing his job and by the time I got in there to answer questions he was a bit apologetic , to which I told him there was no reason to be.

It was almost 9:00 pm by the time we left the hospital, some of us took mom to dinner.  By that time we were all starving but at least we were able to laugh around the table.  A journey that started about 9;15 am finally ended about  10:30 pm.  Thing is, even as out of it as my aunt is, the only thing she that concerned her was her Advanced Medical Directive.  She had moved it away from her will and power of attorney and she was afraid we didn't find it.  We all know she's given up and it's time to respect her wishes.  Work will be hard tomorrow, I know I'll probably panic everytime the one back line I gave them rings. 

In a daze...

I feel like I'm at a loss.  Auntie has been going downhill very quickly.  All the effects of Chemotherapy and Radiation just started to hit her big time in the last week or so.  She has 3 treatments of Radiation left and she's done but there are other problems.  With Chemotherapy either by IV or pill form there are side effects, nausea, skin peeling on the fingers and feet, exhaustion.  All she wants to do is sleep and she won't eat.  The last few days she'd take her pills and then vomit them up.  The doctor took her off the Chemo pills today telling her that he thinks they've done all they can.  He said hopefully they'll be out of her system in the next few days and she won't be so sick.  Then he said something he meant to encourage her but he really shouldn't of said.  He told her he was proud of her, that she' lasted this long and that he really didn't think she'd make it through the process but that she's proven him wrong.  I know he didn't mean it to sound bad, but when you're 84, sick, and depressed, it's not something you want to hear.  

The other problem is my mom, her health and attitude is going downhill because of all of this.  She's totally lost her patience, not that she had much to begin with and she yells.  I found out today that she feels like I'm treating her like a baby, just like I treat my aunt.  I feel really bad about that but all I've really done is try to reason with her and get her to stop yelling at auntie for things that can't be controlled.  I know in a way my aunt is taking advantage of her, especially with the guilt trips, but my mom guilts herself out.  I guess I got that from her.  

Today we were cut off by someone on the way home, then the person tried to cut us off again and I hit the horn.  My mother, with ours and his window rolled down, puts her head out the window and starts yelling at him, "Don't you know how to drive?!?!?!", "You're going to kill someone the way you drive!!".  I had to pull her inside and calm her down, explaining that especially in the area we were in, that you don't yell out the window.  The ladies at the front desk of the Cancer Center asked me today "Is your mom still yelling at you?", I had to reply with yes, but it's mostly her taking her frustrations out on me and venting.  I suppose this is my way of venting along with a friend that who's been great in letting me bend his ear.

I had my sister fill out the inquiry sheet for a nursing home but she wanted to wait to send it.  I understand that she feels that mom isn't ready, but I'm not ready to lose mom and if we don't do something soon, we're going to.   I feel like I've aged 10 years today, but my sister proved my point that they don't listen to me.  I gave her an update when I walked in the door, and 20 minutes later she was totally shocked by something I said.  I explained that I told  her that earlier and then told her that she doesn't listen to which she didn't deny.  

Calgon, take me to Chicago!

Arrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhh!!!!!

Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out.  I just have to keep telling myself that.  After today auntie only has 8 more radiation treatments left.  I wish I could say it will be over after that but it won't be.  She's got an appointment with the new surgeon on the 22nd in the afternoon.  Auntie, mom and one of my sisters didn't like the first surgeon and although the two oncologists say he's a good doctor with no personality, the both agree that auntie needs to be comfortable with him.  When I got all the information for the new surgeon I asked my sister to make the appointment because it's hard for me to call from work.  She told me she was gong to make it for one of my days off.  Yeah of course, lets make all the damn appointments for my day off.  I told her fine, as long as it wasn't the 22nd, that I have and appointment I already had rescheduled because it was during auntie's radiation.  Of course I put in a stupid comment of "unless it's in the afternoon because my appointment is in the morning".  Yeah, really stupid, my sister emails me that the surgeon wanted to wait until after radiation was completed and that the 22nd would be perfect.  What tha?  When I ask my sister, or course she throws the "you said unless it was in the afternoon" quote me, and as much as she got me, you'd think she's have a bit of pity on me.  I told her that doctor runs late so I'll try really hard to get her there by 2:30.

Today was supposed to be my day off but the lady that works my off days had to have oral surgery yesterday and called to see if I'd cover.  Of course I said yes, :::sigh:: without thinking first and 5 seconds after I said yes I remembered radiation.  But she was in a lot of pain and was going to come in if I wouldn't cover.  So a coworker and I told her I'd do it and we made arrangements for me to come in after radiation, only missing 2 hours.  We discussed it with the boss before we left and he was fine with it.  I found out that my coworker got flack for trying to play office manager, by the office manager.  But I was happy to hear that she retorted back with "well you weren't here, someone had to make a decision".  Funny thing is, the ones that were complaining got more work done that if it were a regular day.

I got up early so I could take mom and auntie to pick up the mail at auntie's apartment before radiation.  Everything was going smooth until we got to the cancer center.  I went to ask the technician if we were to early and she should wait to change until it was closer to her appointment time.  He said they've been trying to get ahold of people all morning and left messages at several locations for my aunt.  The radiation machine had a leak and they wanted to treat her today but weren't sure when it was going to be done.  He check with the repair guy and he said about 30 minutes, I told him that I had to be at work by noon but understood the delay, and he said he'd get her in first.  He's a sweet kid.  I took the obasans out to the lobby where the chattered in Japanese, all of a sudden my mom's tone changes, and her voice raises and then my aunt snaps back at her.  I had to calm them both down and I felt like I was the parent breaking up the kids as they argue.  The technician came out and said they'd have her in before 11:00 but it would be cutting it close, I told him not to worry, that I'd stay as long as we needed too.  I finally took auntie in the back to change, and went to ask the technician about a situation we were having physically for auntie.  I came back and mom was yelling at her through the bathroom door.  Auntie had gone in there and locked to door so mom couldn't get in, mom was getting upset because she didn't even take her robe.  I had to settle mom down explaining that she's using the bathroom and that she'll put the robe on when she's done.  My mom starts ranting outside the bathroom about how bad my aunt smells and how she's smelling up the house.  I again had to chastise her about this.  She's ranting about how she doesn't move around, all she does is sleep.  I had to explain to her AGAIN that the doctor said it was okay, and to let her sleep.

The bottom line is, auntie is getting weaker physically and mom is getting weaker mentally.  Mom went through watching pop deteriorate and she's doing it again with her sister.  But this time, her frustration is turning to anger.  Once we got auntie into treatment we went out front to wait.  Then mom starts getting mad a me, raising her voice.  I'm calmly explaining that she needs to have patience, she need to let people help her because her eyes and ears are great.  She's raising her voice telling me that she can here, but her sister doesn't answer.  I tell her, "mom, auntie hears, you just don't hear her answer back, I'd seen you do it several times, it not just her".  She's yelling at me to a point where I just start to ignore her.  Finally she stops, then she starts to make conversation.  I go to check on auntie and she's just changing so I send mom in to help her.  I apologize to the desk staff for the yelling, they were so sweet and understanding. I know that when you're sick, upset, or scared you take your anger out on those you love, I've done it and it's why I live alone.  I can see mom's frustrations and I have to keep telling her "patience, take a deep breath and then let it out".  

I get them back to the house, help auntie up the steps in the house and ask I've got my hands on her waist helping her up, she's shoving money in my pocket telling me to pick up my lunch on the way.  I head to work, stop for fast food, and then on the freeway.  I'm not sure what I was thinking but I miss the turn off and have to transfer freeways and turn around.  I'm 10 minutes late but I finally get there.  I'm trying to get everything done at work.  Head into the back to put a bill into a file, see the file on the doctor's desk so I turn around heading that direction and snag the foot of the chair with my foot.  BIFF right into the wall, knee, foot, hand.  Why couldn't it be my head, at least nothing would have been hurt then.  Finally get off, spend a bit of time with pup and then head back to mom's house because I picked up a couple of things she wanted on the way home form work.  We go through the paperwork that they asked my sister to check for them, and she tells them, have Jill do it.  What tha?  Finally got home and my niece had decided to watch tv loud enough for the entire neighborhood.  She hasn't been to work since last Wednesday and she only gets 8 hours of sick and 8 of vacation a month so I'm pretty sure she's on dock again.  Whatever.

In between all this my sister had me make several appointments for my mom, ears, eyes and dermatology.  Thing is, I'm calling to make appointment but not exactly sure what's going on and mom's not talking.  So last Thursday when I made the appointments for mom, I was able to get her a new primary physician and a visit that day.  I drive her over there and my sister calls another sister to look in on my aunt who's sleeping.  That's sister cops an attitude an asks "why? why does she have to be looked on, just tell her to stay in bed, then she won't fall", "why does mom have to go to the doctor, she's just probably stressed", "Why do I have do it".  This is the crap my sister and I get from my two older sisters.  We can't ask them to do anything because we'll get  "NO" followed by a whiney excuse and then a massive attitude.  So far, I'm pretty much hating 2008.